The Torturous Anxious/Avoidant Dance

I’m currently working with a lot of coaching clients who are stuck in torturous push-pull dynamics in their relationships. Many of them say the same thing to me: “Jess, I just want the version of who they were at the beginning of the relationship back!”.

And here is our first red flag.

Many of these relationships are a result of two kinds of people getting together; an anxious, over-giving, codependent-leaning individual; and the other, a more avoidant-leaning, mysterious, charming (at first), individual who doesn’t open up easily and has difficulty expressing emotions.

The trouble with this pairing is that when they first get together, it can feel like magic. The codependent gets ‘high’ from being able to get this autonomous, reserved type of person to open up; and the avoidant feels seen, supported, and that they have finally found someone who ‘gets them’, and who they feel safe with to share their deepest needs and fears.

Our second red flag.

What’s happening here is one of the most toxic dynamics in the book of relationships. A first chapter of two people masking who they truly are, and pretending to be a version of themselves that will be impossible to sustain moving forward.

Let me break it down for you:
Codependents and/or anxious attachers have been raised in homes where they didn’t get the opportunity to develop a sense of self. They were too busy catering to the needs of Mom or Dad, or learning at a ripe young age to be someone they were not. They learned to pick up on cues in the home and change/alter their moods so that they don’t rock the boat; or worse, they learned how to play therapist for their parents’ unhealthy marriage.

In lies the birth of an over-giver; a saver; a fixer; and a person conditioned to figure out what you need; long before they figure out what they need.

Now, when these types of individuals get older, subconsciously they are programmed to seek the same type of love they were shown growing up. They look for a version of Mom or Dad in partners who mirror the same behaviour; even if that same behaviour once hurt them growing up.

Comparatively, the avoidant leaning person was taught not feel growing up. This may have been a result of their parents taking up too much space in the home; a parent who was highly self-centred, egotistical, or worse, struggling with addiction; and who made everything about them. The child learns quickly that there is no room for their needs, and that it will be unsafe for them to reach out for help as they know deep down they will be disappointed with the ‘support’.

So what happens?

This avoidant leaning child grows up into the hyper-independent, ‘I don’t need anyone’, type of person. They often grow up to be workaholics, addicts, or worse, highly narcissistic and ‘egoic’ types. They have trouble expressing themselves especially when it comes to feelings, and they often hide behind a tough exterior with minimal glimpses of vulnerability.

And when these two types of people meet… BOOM. Fireworks. The over-giver now has someone to give to, and the avoidant feels safe to hide behind all the giving, because at first, the codependent doesn’t ask for anything in return.

The codependent is under the impression that the more they give in the beginning, the more the avoidant will learn to open up and return all the wonderful things that they gave to them in the beginning stages of the relationship.

Our third red flag.

The truth is, both people are hiding who they truly are in these beginning stages. Even as giving as someone can be, they are human, and will also need to have their needs met moving forward. And if someone (the avoidant) has no idea how to do that yet, that over-giver is in for a lot of resentment and arguments coming their way.

Am I here to villainize codependents or avoidant-leaning individuals? No.
But can I tell you with every fibre of my being that if either party is unaware of their patterns and don’t possess the necessary level of insight to meet each other’s needs; a torturous, long, toxic dance will be born.

Just for today, pay attention to what you’re attracted to and why. Are you trying to change someone in order to feel like you are finally being heard? Are you intoxicated by the perceived ‘mystery or charm’ of the person you are interested in? Are you trying to ‘win’ someone’s affection or attention by trying really hard to be perfect?

If so, pause ( and maybe run); but let’s start with a pause.

As much as I believe in the power of change, who you see in front of you is who they will be in three, six, or twelve months; even if they are telling you otherwise.

The thing about change is that someone can tell you they are ‘changing and trying’ all they want; words have no power when it comes to transformation- only actions do.

Can a codependent become less codependent? Of course, I see it every day.
Can an avoidant become less avoidant? Of course, I see it every day.

But it comes with a lot of work; deep introspection; and an ability to self-reflect. If you don’t see any of these happening in your current relationship; take a moment to ask yourself why are hanging on to someone’s words and not their actions.

You deserve someone willing to do the work with you; not just the echo of empty promises over and over.

With love, care, and empowerment,
Jess